By: Your Average Millenial

What in the world is everyone’s problem?

Today I got fired for the fourth time in four days. Must be something in the air, global warming maybe?

I come a few minutes late, they’re upset. I take an extended coffee break, they’re upset. I play a game or two on the computer, they’re upset. I text a few friends, they’re upset. What do they think a workplace is – a prison? Or concentration camp?

Everyone is so tense. No one has any sense of humor, either. When I’m late because, as I explain, I couldn’t find a clean pair of socks, no one laughs. When I take a leisurely coffee break because, as I explain, coffee is “good to the last drop”, no one smiles. When I shout “Yessss!” because I just won a game on my screen, no one cheers. If I start texting, oh my goodness, I may as well have just shot someone. Seriously!

So I’ve been told, with each firing, that my “millennial attitude” is irritating and off-putting. Can I help it that I wasn’t born in 1962? Or 1987?

Why is the world so intense about silly things like punctuality and work quotas? So what if I’m using paid time to unwind a little? Maybe if these  nervous bosses chilled out, like I do, they’d enjoy life a little more.

I think I’m going to offer a workshop to the public, called “Chillax to the Max”. Nah, those fuddy-duddies won’t show up to that. I’ll have to trick them with a title like, “Millennial Employees -Solutions to a Growing Problem”.

I’ll charge $250 per person, paid in advance. Once they’ve paid in full and are comfortably seated, I’ll tell them what I really think!

Anyway, for now, four days of failure has taken a lot out of me. I’m going on vacation. Probably convince my parents to rent a Florida Kosher Villa. I’ve done it before, and we all had such a great time, they forgot to be mad at me for not graduating high school that June. The following year (after I’d repeated 12th grade), we celebrated my graduation! This time, we’ll be celebrating my sincere efforts to find a job.

I can tell by the look on your face, you don’t think my idea is going to work this time. They are not going to include me on a trip at a luxurious Florida Kosher Villa for getting fired four times in a row.

You’re probably right.

I’ve got it! I will call up the hosts of Florida Kosher Villas and ask them to hire me. Nah, they hire responsible professionals, not people like me. Next idea…

Okay, this one’s pure brilliance.

I will offer each of my previous bosses a free rental at the villa of their choice. That might inspire them to rehire me. Never mind, I can’t afford that; I’m unemployed.

In the meantime, I’ll set three alarm clocks in my room, buy extra socks, leave my cell phone at home, take zero coffee breaks, and work overtime — when I get rehired.

I’m going to write an apology email to each guy who fired me, explaining how I plan to turn over a new leaf!

But what if I can’t stick to it? I know, I’ll request a one year contract. Or tenure for life.

Hmmm. Do I even want to wake up early?

Nope.

Leave my cell phone at home?

No way! Forget that.

I like being an irresponsible millennial with ‘tude. And being unemployed gives me time to do all the things I really want to do in life.

Like…sleep.

And be supported by my parents. I got plenty of time to worry about annoying things like keeping a job. Right? No??